Inside the story of an anxious achiever

We are putting way too much pressure on these kids.

Hello guys,

Hope you are doing well. Today I’m feeling pretty good. It’s a rainy Sunday morning and boy do I love rainy Sunday mornings. Sleeping in just feels great. But you know what feels even better? Getting some work done while everyone else is asleep. Don’t believe me? Try it sometime. Okayyy…

On Tuesday or Wednesday morning, I listened to an episode of the Anxious Achiever podcast by Harvard Business Review. I listen a lot more to HBR Ideacast, but thought to switch things up a bit. In this episode, the host interviewed Julie Lythcott-Haims, a successful professional lawyer who had also been the Dean of Freshmen at Stanford for about a decade. I really liked this episode because it focused on something we rarely talk about, the pressure families (and societies) put on kids to succeed.

Image from jspencecounseling

By her own admission, Julie was raised in a family of high expectations. Her father was an Assistant Surgeon in the US who had helped eradicate smallpox from West Africa, and her mother had bagged her PhD while raising six kids. They had super high expectations of their kids. Julie remembers a time in her childhood when her mother had received her results (PhD) and showed her children, saying “I have never received anything less than an A in my life”. This was the type of family she was raised in.

As the years went on, it became increasingly clear that Julie (last-born) was the only one that could meet her parents’ expectations. All 5 children before her had been ‘disappointments’. They did not go to Ivy League universities or have prestigious jobs.

They were meh.

Julie felt the pressure. She was determined to succeed. She was going to be a successful lawyer.

*** side note: Becoming a lawyer in the US is very prestigious (even more so than the UK, Nigeria, and many other parts of the world) because you cannot study Law as your first degree. You have to complete a Bachelor’s degree and then apply for Law school. If you don’t agree, just watch Suits.

Back to the story. Julie went to Stanford for her undergrad, majoring in American Civilization before getting admitted to Harvard Law School. Shortly after graduating, she became an Associate at Cooley LLP, an American multi-billion dollar law firm focused on litigation and intellectual property. She worked there for a couple of years, before switching to Intel, the world’s largest semiconductor chip manufacturer where she was protecting the Pentium trademark. If you are reading this on a laptop or personal computer, there’s an 80% chance it is powered by Intel.

But you see, Julie was not happy. She thought she had studied Law to fight for social justice and help the less privileged. Instead, she had gotten sucked into the high-achievement world, reaching for one success after another to prove (to her parents?) that she was smart and hardworking and successful. She eventually quit her Intel job to fill in for a friend who needed to go on maternity leave at Stanford Law School.

She had left a very prestigious and well-paying job to take a temporary contract that would only last for 10 weeks. Acting as the Associate Dean of Student Affairs, she was responsible for counseling law students, giving them mentorship and advice, and ‘fighting’ the school on their behalf. She loved it.

Fortunately, her friend on maternity leave decided not to return to Stanford after the break, and Julie was able to negotiate her way into a permanent position. This began her decade-long journey into seeing first-hand the struggles high-achieving students go through, as they navigate the pressure from their families and communities. As someone who had gone through much of the same, she could relate with them.

Realizing that people needed to know about this, Julie resolved to sound the alarm by writing books and teaching people about the adverse effects of overachievement and the contributions of families and societies.

After listening to the podcast, I had to spend some time thinking. Was I also struggling with a need to overachieve? Did I get good grades in school because they were what I wanted for myself or they were ‘expected’? I think these are introspections and discussions every young person needs to have.

Thankfully, I have received very little pressure to succeed from my parents in my journey so far. I think they understand that I am internally driven and they have no interest in pushing me in any particular direction towards academic or professional achievement. Sadly, I cannot say the same for other people.

As with any young person that appears to be ‘high-potential’, every Uncle and Aunty and family friend has ideas on what is best for you.

‘I think you should go to Canada for your Masters. You can get permanent residency and raise your family abroad. Let us talk so I can help you with your application.’

‘Have you started applying for your PhD? Do it now when you are still young so you can focus on your career later.’

‘Mo fe ko ka Petroleum Engineering. Opportunities po ni be gaan, je ka soro over the weekend.’

‘You want to travel out of Nigeria? No no you should stay. We need people like you to build a better country for us. There are good opportunities here, don’t worry.’

And on and on it goes. I speak to many many young people who are navigating their way through the pressure their families and societies have put on them. It is crazy difficult.

Last week, I received an email from a young person who is going through this. Let’s call them Coffee. Coffee is on a 1st class GPA but doesn’t feel it is enough. Coffee thinks Coffee needs to be more independent. After all, many of Coffee’s age mates are not ‘mooching off their parents’. In Coffee’s exact words, “I'm starting to believe that without this money I wouldn't be able to prove myself”.

Coffee is much too young to be feeling this. I am much too young to be reading and attempting to process this.

Dear parents, uncles, and aunties, you need to back off. Let these (us) kids do what they (we) want. It’s not about you, it’s about them. Of course, they (we) need guidance, support, and advice, but they (we) do not need the pressure and expectations you are consistently placing on them (us).

What we have created is a society of kids studying courses they have no interest in, in universities they don’t even like, preparing for a career they cannot be bothered about.

And social media (especially LinkedIn) is not helping. Now there are thousands of high-achieving young people to permanently compare yourself to. I don’t know what the solution is. I don’t know how to find the balance. But I do know there is a problem. And the more people talk about this problem, the more likely we begin to create personalized solutions for ourselves and our families.

Dear young person, please devote some time to thinking about this.

“Is any of this stuff truly your passion or are you just really good at doing what you are told?” - Julie Lythcott-Haims

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If you found this newsletter useful, please share it with your friends. Have them read it and subscribe. I like to share personal stories and life lessons I am learning. They will be super random, but common themes will include business, personal development, human relationships, and Islam.

Gracias, and see you around.

Hameed

*** side note: Please watch Julie’s TED talk, How to raise successful kids - without overparenting. It will take just 15 minutes of your time.