There is no such thing as unconditional love.

On the struggles of commitment, unwritten social contracts, and Jeff Immelt's formula for success.

Hello guys,

Hope you are doing well. I’m doing okay, Alhamdulillah.

Writing today’s newsletter feels a bit tricky. I’m starting about 7 hours later than I usually do, so there’s that feeling of checking the clock every other minute. Do I want to write a super short one so I can send it off in time and move to the four other things I need to do before midnight? Or should I ignore the clock completely and write until I think I have something worth sharing?

Also, I haven’t quite figured out what I’m writing about.

Not fully figuring it out is quite common, but usually, I would have spent a bit of time thinking about general ideas, penned valuable points somewhere in my notes, and then the challenge is putting some structure to these thoughts and communicating them in a way that makes sense.

Ah well.

Around this time last year, I was fascinated by an international community. I read about them, watched a few YouTube videos of their key players, and thought to myself, ‘I need to join these guys’. In all honesty, there are many pockets of people doing interesting things that I have wanted to famz at one stage or another. But for this one, I had zero access. I figured I would reach out if my future plans made things possible.

But in the meantime, I kept tabs on them and was observing. And then a few months ago, I got an email that they were looking for people to join the community. I didn’t know yet what the requirements would be like or whether I had the time to commit, but I figured it couldn’t hurt. I put in an application. When we reach that bridge, we go cross am.

And then a few weeks ago, they sent a different email. There was an online session for people they were interested in, and it was an opportunity to learn more about the organization as well. Again, what could it hurt? I attended. Then an email follow-up to the meeting. Share some ideas about your plans for the community.

Busy and tired from Ramadan-related activities, I put it off for several days. Eventually, I did a bit of research and shared potential plans. And then I was in! I was added to a WhatsApp group (not a big fan of those tbh) where the next thing to discuss was execution details.

And now I haven’t opened the group for two days. 😅

What is the problem?

I realized I never took the time to think about whether this organization is what I really want to do. Don’t get me wrong. Sure I like them, sure they do cool stuff, and yes I actually put in an application. Oops. 🤧

But at no point did I make a serious effort to think about what the impact of joining this would be on my calendar and lifestyle.

Am I even on top of my current to-do list before taking on more work? If I were going to devote several hours a month to something new, is this the most optimal use of my time? Am I 100% aligned to the purpose and values of this organization? Can I meet their expectations of commitment now and in the future?

After asking myself these hard questions, I have no answers. So I’m currently doing the cowardly thing to do, ignoring the group while I think about it. 😅

I might realize in the next few days/weeks that devoting time to this is in my best interest, and double down on my commitment. Or I might figure out the opposite, and either postpone my involvement by a few months or pull out altogether.

The second option might be fairly unpleasant for both sides - an acknowledgment of guilt for me, as it was probably quite selfish to apply without being 100% sure of my willingness to commit should I get in. And unpleasant for the other party as well, who may have to begin the process of finding a replacement.

Let’s see how it goes. 🥴

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There are two more things I’m thinking about.

Unconditional Love

Growing up, I was one of those kids who watched many of the Disney and Barbie cartoons (quite unfortunate, I agree 😂). And one of the recurring themes was the concept of ‘Happily ever after’.

I would have to agree that it is perhaps unfair for cartoon writers to create stories for children that end with death, divorce, or the never ending friction and arguments that permeate most ‘happy’ relationships. So instead, we encourage the narrative of unconditional love - a love that conquers all, with a couple that rides off into the sunset knowing they would be happy together forever more.

But recently, I have been thinking about ‘unconditional’ in particular. And you see, I don’t think there’s such a thing as unconditional love. I don’t even think there’s such a thing as unconditional anything.

Every single relationship we have - with family, friends, lovers, colleagues, etc - are hinged upon some conditions. Many times, these conditions are implicit and never even spoken about. But they are there nonetheless.

Take the example of a couple at the altar.

Image from weddingsinhouston

‘Femi, do you take Toyin to be your lawfully wedded wife forever until death do you part?’

‘I do.’

‘And Toyin, do you take Femi to be your lawfully wedded husband forever till death do you part?’

‘I do. Just that…’

‘Just that what?’

‘Well yes I will stay married to him, unless he does some things.’

‘Things like what?’

‘Like if he cheats on me with my sister. Or if he stops caring about me. Or if he is an abusive father. Or if he prioritizes work instead of our relationship. Or if his family is mean to me. Or if I find out he’s not who I think he is. Or if he leaves our church. You see?’

‘Ah I see. Femi shebi you won’t do any of those?’

‘No Pastor, I won’t.’

‘So Toyin are you happy?’

‘Yes, I do.’

If you happened to attend a wedding like this, you would be convinced that Toyin is not very okay. 😂

But is she really? Everything she said is true. Many of those seemingly ridiculous reasons are serious causes for marriages to break down. But they are often left unsaid, as we choose to trust that the other party has the common sense to do what is ‘right’.

But like I said, it’s not even about love. It’s about everything.

At work, you can be a rock star that everybody loves. And it might seem like nothing can ever make you any less than the MVP you are. But make one stupid move - a racist statement, workplace harrassment, etc - and you’re out the door. Your ‘star boy’ status is conditional.

Best friends become sworn enemies because one person revealed private personal information. Or one person did something stupid and the other person has decided to be petty about it. Or one friend stole from the other friend. Or slept with his friend’s wife. Or scammed her friend in an investment opportunity.

Even at home, we read many stories of parents disowning their children. Think about this for a moment. As a parent, you spend 20+ years nurturing a child, working long hours to provide for them, teaching them, loving them, praying for them, caring for them. And then one day you decide you never want to see them again?!

At the surface, it seems odd. But as you and I know, it does happen. Sometimes things as basic as marrying someone parents do not particularly like can lead to being ostracised from your own family.

The point is…there are unwritten social contracts to all aspects of human interaction. And we can go through life pretending they do not exist, as long as we do not cross them.

Jeff Immelt on Business Success

One of my favourite things to do is listen to Barry Ritholtz, the host for Bloomberg’s Masters in Business podcast. And not too long ago, he interviewed Jeff Immelt, the former CEO of General Electric.

My favourite takeaway from their conversation was this.

‘Everyone has the talent to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, but you need to ask yourself three questions. How fast can I learn? How much can I take? How much can I give?’

I found this so instructive, not just to aspiring business executives, but generally for anyone yearning for some level of success.

How fast can I learn?

The speed at which the world moves today is like nothing our grandparents could imagine.

Finance business executives need to spend time catching up on crypto. Oil and gas majors are entering transformation processes to become ‘energy’ companies. Record producers and movie studios are increasingly understanding that the gatekeepers have moved to streaming services like Spotify and Netflix.

In the face of never ending disruption, only people committed to lifelong learning will manage to stay afloat.

How much can I take?

Sometimes I marvel at the level of scrutiny people in the public eye receive. At any given moment, there is probably one person cursing Buhari for example. And this is true across board - whether for public service officials, footballers, actors, business people, etc.

Can you take the scrutiny? Can you take being misunderstood? Can you take being abused on TV? Can you take the social media trolls? Can you take the YouTube videos dedicated to laughing at you? Can you take being made into a meme?

Not all of us are built for this. I personally am very content sleeping in on a Saturday knowing (hoping) nobody is raining curses on me in my absence.

How much can I give?

The third component is just as important too. How much energy can you give to the communities around which your success is built? How many hours can you give to the grind day after day? Are you willing to miss birthdays and anniversaries because you’re playing in an away game? Can you give up weekends and holidays to shoot movies? Can you give up your life savings to keep your startup afloat?

Many of us aspire to some professional or personal success. But to achieve this on a national or global scale, there are huge levels of sacrifice involved.

As you begin a new week, I hope you pay attention to enforcing the numerous social contracts you unknowingly signed up for, and re-evaluate just how much you are willing to sacrifice to achieve your dreams.

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If you found this newsletter useful, please share it with your friends. Have them read it and subscribe. I like to share personal stories and life lessons as I learn. They will be super random, but common themes will include business, personal development, human relationships, and Islam.

Gracias, and see you around.

Hameed

** Jara content:

“Some people say: ‘If only I would find my passion.’ And I think: So what? Let’s say you find your passion. But if you’re unhappy, you will be an unhappy person with a passion. And if you’re a miserable complainer, you’ll be a miserable complainer with a passion.” - Darius Foroux

Have a great week. 💫